The Man That I Loved The Most

Hello everyone :) it's been a long time right ? i guess it's been 10 month since the last time i update my blog. and during that time, may things changed :) i'm sure some of you guys know that i'm not close with someone anymore :) and i'm not going to talk about it. my live has become busier this year and it will be around one more years to finish up school. i'm not that type whom love school much, so i can't wait for not going there. by the way, please wish me a luck for my final exam, starting this 25/10 . i needs to do well so that i can be in the target student for next year hehe :) i couldn't online much because of school but now i'm trying to become more active ^_^ i needs to go to school, extra class, and private tutor but i'm guess everyone is doing the same. if anyone from my twitter reading this, i hope you guys could greet me sometimes, i'm not scary :) i'm really lonely nowadays. and i'm starting to missing someone again. before, i would always thinks that "why did he gone before i couldn't even get to see him" that was what my immature self asking haha. but now that i'm getting older, i'm become thankful and thinking that "he gone before i get to meet him so that we won't meet any memories together, that i won't be that sad when he was gone" . it's my brother, he gone one years before i was born, he is one years older than me. i missed him a lot. i don't have his picture and memories together, i just have the stories that my mom often telling me about how pretty that baby is, my brother. since i don't have any memories, it's not that hard for me. imagine if we live together, growing together, and doing everythings together, because we just one years apart we must be really close together, it will be harder for me ? right ? . but i'm also scared i might forgot about him one day. so that's way at least one a weeks i will remember about him. "if he was here he must studying hard right now" "he might love to disturb me" "we must walking home from school together" . is he protective over me ? or he just act annoyed everytime i'm around him ? is i am going to following him around? will him studying well ? is him a bad student whom used to ditch class?. i'm curious about everythings that someone i would be smilling or crying alone. i'm always praying to god, to let him appear in my dream so that i can see him even once even for just a minutes. in my family, i'm the only one that didn't get to meet him, it's not fair hehe :) i miss you a lot. today, i went to the beach with my sis and mother, and i saw this girl around my age, she was walking with her dad and holding his hands. i'm just feelings sad suddenly and i'm teared up my eyes but i didn't show it toward my mother. it makes me thinks, i just get to holding my dad hand while walking waybe only 2/3 times a years. i admit that i was jealous toward that girl. i wanted to do the same. everytime i asked dad to go out, he will refuse saying that he busy, he has work to do, he was tired. i guess he didn't know that he always making me hurting. i'm the youngest of my family, of course i was a bit pampered, but it was just from my mom. i'm grateful that dad was working hard toward this family, dad giving us a wealthy life, a good house for us, i'm always grateful. but i don't want growing up with thinking that i didn't receive much love from my dad. i guess in my lifetime, i've never went to the vacation with my dad. i love dad a lot and i hope he would never make me cry again. so i guess i need to finish this up since my teddy bears is soaked with water*it was raining:'(* goodnight and have a good life everyone :) stay strong whenever god give you a test ^^

21 December 2012

Good Morning and yeah today is 21 december and tomorrow is my result T_T but today also.. it's been 2 years since that incident but it's still fresh in my mind.. it's an incident that nearly take my brother from me.. well it's a late at night, around 1-2am, my dad recieved a call from hospital.. i still not sleep that time, playing with my laptop.. well i heard my other brother, angah, kind of rush from upstairs so i come out and asked my mom what's happen, my mom said my brother get into a car crash and the hospital told my dad to come to hospital asap. well i get stunned and my heart beating soo fast, i'm also speechless. my dad comes into the room and told me to stay home with my sis and auntie. well, i'm just nodded.. i'm sitting at living room with my aunt.. i'm praying to Allah to save my brother repeatedly that i just stay silence until my cousin came and calling for us.. well i don't know anything about the incient until my cousin told us that 2 of them died right away, i remember crying soo hard that time.. in my mind, i'm scared something bad will happen "will i lost my brother again?" "will he be okay?", my aunt also crying that time.. then maybe around 5am, my aunt got a message from angah, saying that my brother is currently in surgery's room.. we know nothing until the morning i go to hospital, he lost a lot of bloods, broke few of his ribs, and his lymph is broken( so now he is a mean without one of the organ).. then my mom tell me the whole story.. she said as soon as she reach hospital, doctor saying "there's no more hopes" but after a few times checking one of the doctor told them "we should go fast, i think we can save him" and the ambulance who bring him to the capital hospital is soo fast (i'm still thankful, my mom too, he save my brother) my mom didn't get to see him because everything was in rush.. * he was still in surgery's room when i reached there that morning, i'm waiting outside with my neighbours and my aunt, my sis also, mom and dad going home to bring the needs.. i didn't get to see him that day at all.. the next day i comes again, he admitted in ICU and still unconsius, i went to him and i hold his hands, and there's a tears at the corner of his eyes.. i calling his name few times and asking him to wake up.. but the nurse told me "he is under medication, let him rest.. be strong" as i walked from the ICU, half of his visitor crying.. i walked over and hugs my aunt tightly.. i don't want to cry infront of my parents.. but when i see angah cry secretly, alone at the balcony i can't help but cry also.. and my cousin try to consoled me but i just let myself cry..  he stayed at hospital around 2 weeks and what's happen to him is like a miracle for us, he's now healthy but still needs to taking his pills..
dear brother, i want you to remember during hard times, your family was beside you.. dad was soo sad that time but he stay strong infront of his other child, he left his jobs and loss a lot of money for that project but he comes right away anytimes you asked him to, mom is broken inside, she was soo sad and worried, she love you. our neighbour also crying because of you, you know ? angah is secretly crying, he cares about you too.. many people cries because they care. even now they see you, they still say "it's such a miracle" that means, Allah still love you and he still gives you a chances.. actually of of the girl who died is his girlfriend.. and we keeps it from him until about 3 weeks after the incident, because we don't want to make him shocks.. he keeps asking for his phone, that my dad keeps to himself and angah already told all of his friends to not say anything about her and be happy infront of him. until that days come and dad calls all of his friends, and dad saying about her late-girlfriend smoothly, and showed him a newspaper that has the news about his incident on the front page, he cried right away but his friends consoled him, i just see the scene from afar, i can't help but cry.. but i'm glad seeing him okay now and he can get over it.. that's all i wanted to share about this dark memories for me, goodbye and wish me luck for my result

Leaving..

i know you're doing well.. sorry for writing this update.. here i'm going to tell you the reason i'm being like this, not only for you but for the rest that curious about what's happen to us..i know you not care about me anymore and trying to forget me, just forget me.. even after reading this.. i just want you to know and leave me in a  good way not leave me because hate me.. do you think that i leave you because i'm not love you anymore? not care anymore? not, and it's never be like that.. just like she said.. just like her, i have never though about leaving you since the first day i meet you and all the promises is true and i meant it.. but.. what will you feel if you're in my side.. what will you feel is i changed just in a days? after meeting someone new, i'm changed? maybe it's just me, maybe i shouldn't think this way but did you forget all of our memories? all of our ways ? how's we used to be ? how we used to treat each other? i told you right? that i will be with you like before after my exam.. and i'm always smile for the though that you will make me smile with your crazy brain.. but when i comeback, i think it's better if i go.. i can't accept the way we are now because it's so suddenly.. after the decision, i'm starting live up my day with a though of you, with the tears.. when our past memories playing in my mind..i hate myself for doing this but i'm also pity toward my self whom suffered.. just like you feels before, 'like a younger sister' 'like a family' i too feels the same, you are like a older brother, a family, and a special friends for me.. yaya is my best friends, the one i cherish and like a family.. it's different and i love both of you.. it's not been a months, but it's a years now.. i will never forgive myself, and i will always feels regret to make this decision.. how can i leave people who make me smile for real, who changed my life, who make me forget the miss for my late-brother, who know me more than other people.. before, you trying to leave me but i'm always fight for it.. now, i knoe you're going to be okay even without me, you already has someonelse that you can share your problem with, that you love, that you feels comfortable.. i feels sad seeing you changed, you treat me just the same as your others girl friends.. and i miss the old you, i miss the old us.. i miss our jokes, our goodbyes, our morning, our night.. i know you it better if i go.. i know you're hurting but i'm hurting more than you do.. i'm the one who leave you, you will forget me one day.. but belive me this person who leave you here, won't forget you and will regret her decision for the rest of her life.. i want you to leave me with a good ways not hating me.. because hate is not a good ways to forget people.. stay healthy and study well and be a good businessman and open your own company.. there's a lot of thing i want to tell you but i know.. the more i write the more you will be hurting.. be happy, my brother

Hurt..

Some of you might think that i'm the attention seeker, i keeps confessing through twitter.. why? because i don't know who else can i told my story, can i say my problem.. i only has jason who far away from me.. i can't meet him to told him my problem face by face.. so i always keeps my feelings and problem inside me.. no one know.. all by myself.. and when the day comes, when i can't hide it anymore.. i will let it.. it's the truth that i keep.. do you think having a nice house, having a comfortable life.. means that family is happy? do you really think money bring happiness? it's not for me.. what i want is happy family.. i want to create a good memories with my family as i'm getting older.. but what i get is.. sadness.. i got loved by mom a lot, i'm soo precious to her.. and like that, she keeps treating me like a young child.. i didn't hate it, but sometimes i want her to understand me as a teenagers.. i want attention from dad, his love and his care.. i know he is busy.. but.. why the only thing he want from me is good result, straight A,? is it that important? does he even care my dificulity? no.. "my life is harder than you" i know it, and i'm not asking your sympathy toward me.. i just want you to know who the real me.. 
what i like? whom i love? what i want? what i didn't like? what's my problem? what i didn't eat? 
i hope one day they will know it.. now i'm starting to be more quiet, i also don't know since when i'm starting to be like this..
i wanna get older, i can't wait to get older.. and i have my own reason for it.. my life is soo complicated.. i get trauma easily.. everythings that already happen, i don't want those dark memories replay again, it hurts soo much since i'm young.. i don't have anyone that i could hug as i cry, i don't have anyone that i can release everything in their embrace, i dont have anyone that can hug me right away if i'm feeling sad.. i just have them who give me strenght till the end..
the strenght that always give me a reason to doing my best and continue this life even though it's hard.. the person that i'm comfortable too.. i don't have many people that i comfortable with.. i hope i can get myself away from this depression.. one day.. 

Comeback

and now i'm comeback for a really long time, it's been six month i think, well, hello everybody
i'm very busy and mom told me to less my time to play the laptop.. there's someone asking me before, why i didn't update my blog.. although it's kinda late, yes i'm updating it's now

i'm using this chance to share about my mid-year exam, also fews thing more since it's been a while
so, my grade isn't that good, but i don't failed any subject.. i'm really happy with my number in form..
there's only 15 student pass all the subject in that exam, i think we're already doing our best..
before i got number 16 lol imma soo lazy last year, but now i can get into TOP10.. so this is ma result

well, just spin your laptop or phone to read it =P

congratulation for all my beloved classmate, since you're reading this.. please pray for my succes is PT3 geo and history that starting today and will end this 18/07, also other subject exam in this october ❗❗

i feels soo stress this few weeks.. 

and i have some words to my beloved junior, i'm not going to say her freaking name, well good jobs kiddo, thanks to tell my homeroom teacher about me and him *claps* i don't fucking care about your freaking life and you bothered yourself care about him, hell yeah. you better go and study and get your face out of my sight before i throw you right into the loji kumbahan. kiddo, every kids know you.. how's your attitude, stop pretend in front of teachers.. grrr i can't let out my angry toward her because my friend said better not do that, she's really pissing me off..

jason, i'm sorry, i love you, please don't leave and please don't let our relationship being like this anymore.. i'm also missing you like crazy.. 

maybe that's all for now, actually i'm waiting for iftar right now.. salam ramadhan everyone :)

sorry..

i'm sorry, i'm really really do..
sorry for make you sad, sorry for being the new me..
it's not like that, really it's not like you think..
since that time you treat me coldly, i know you pretend to be okay.. do you know it's hurt? it's hurt when you dont even tell me your problem, i feel useless because it's only me who always lean on you..
i don't want you to leave me.. it's enough with them who i love had leave me..
maybe due to some reason and problem i'm changed.. we also not like usual, right? i also dont want to changed, dont want to pretend anymore.. i'm also dont get myself who still smilling and laugh like usual when with my friends, why? because they never understand me, they might think i'm faking it if i'm sad.. maybe my friends see me as a cheerful and friendly.. haha.. they didn't know i just talk a lot with them.. i didn't mean to ignore you this past few days, i just think that you need a time.. i don't even knoe you had changed your u/n, i just knew it yest.. what do you think about me now? am i same with the people you had know ? 
i don't know you mention me.. it's not like i want to ignore you..
remember i'm always waiting for you like the first we know, i'm always love you like always.. 
you, not 'only someone i know in twitter, my friend because kpoppers'
but you're someone that 'i think real in my real life' 
it's hurt when i see other people can make you laugh when i can't.. maybe i'm selfish.. right?
i'm sorry for everythings.. i'm already answer you now right ? i hope it's not the last one.. remember, i will only leave people i love if they told me too, and if they can be happy without me..

Happy Birthday 911209

wahhhh~! yest is my bias birthday :) #HappyMinho23rdDay !! i have a lot of things i wanna say to him, so one day i'm gonna meet him :) Thanks for coming into my life and makes my day Choi Minho ^_^ Although he not my first bias since i come into K-Pop fandom (the first is King Jonghyun) now he is my first Bias !! SHINee never be SHINee without Our Flaming Charisma Minho ! remember that SHINee World Love You ! i had many beautiful day and moments since i stan you, MinHoney ❤ i hope he will make a twitter acc =,= may you will always succes and happy as an idols now, i know you must having a lot of hardtime but remember that SHINee World always by your side to support you and good luck in everythings :) Oh Je Ro, Choi Min Hyuk, Kang Tae Joon, Kim Seung Woo, Choi Minho, Saranghae.. he is one of my role model ckckckc you and SHINee makes my life colourful.. when i'm having a hard time.. seeing you make me stand up again, although you don't know me.. you give me a lot of strenght and i'm sure that other flames also like me ^_^ we proud of you

i like his competitive and work hard, i loved seeing him serious when it's about sport and work.. don't misunderstood about his competitiveness, it's not like he want to boast that he is talented.. the truth is he was born talented.. stop talking shit about minho, you are not a shawol so you don't even know anything about him.. minho.. the boy who the first to comfort his hyung when they crying, the guy who never forget to mention SHINee World anytime they got an award, he is the one who left behind after every concert and give heart to shawol, a tough guy but he really pure and lovely when he cry, the quiet and carefull in word minho now turned to be talkactive and adorable cute interesting minho.. your face, your laugh, your cuteness, your voice, your talents and everythings about you..  i really really love it.. i promise to always be on your behalf and always support you.. wish you to always happy and stay healthy ! SHINee World Love Choi Minho